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A Soul-Crushing Life with A Reactive Abuser
“You are totally over sensitive.”
“This is totally not my fault and you know it.”
“You always embarrass yourself. Everyone says so.”
Saying things like this to put the blame on a partner, working hard to show that there’s nothing worth reacting over, minimizing the damage — all of those are tactics of “reactive abuse.” When abusers, physical or emotional, work to put the victim in a spot where she feels like she was the one to blame in the first place, it’s a double-damage tactic. And it works.
This technique is well-used, since it often gets the victim to yell, lash out, get really angry at the person who’s been tormenting them in the first place. A common phrase my ex used to use was, “I don’t get why you even care what my sisters think about you.” This was one he would trot out after he had tossed me to the wolves in some petty conversation where he would stir up a controversy, saying something he knew they would love and I would disagree with — and then side with them. He’d question my judgment as a mother in front of them or contradict a statement he had made privately to me, claiming he’d never say such a thing. They naturally believed their brother.
When he could see that my feelings were hurt and I wanted his support — nope! He could begin the emotional…
