Ahh.. as I went to publish, I reflected that not all readers would be familiar with what has brought us to this point.

I'd encourage you to read these two pieces in particular, so that you'll get a sense of why my kids want nearly nothing to do with their father:

https://sekelley.medium.com/the-destruction-of-a-narcissist-dad-cd063bc33991

and

https://sekelley.medium.com/youll-probably-laugh-on-your-father-s-grave-c83650966913

I often have to think well beyond the boundaries they've set (or tried to) with him, as he'll plow right over their request for respect, friendship, or even common courtesy.

They are assuredly not helpless, but they've been burned severely by him, and so I try (perhaps unsuccessfully at times) to at least help them stay in contact with their broader family, especially their cousins of a similar age. Perhaps one day, they'll be able to have a good relationship with him - that's my hope. But in the meantime, keeping them emotionally safe is a better investment by far.

As my eldest has said, "Expectations of him are now so low, that if we just understand he's not going to be there, then we can't be disappointed."