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It’s Not You, It’s Me
Except For When It’s You
Lots of us, and I mean LOTS of us, avoid validating the emotions we have that feel…umm…squicky. The ones that come on as a result of someone else’s actions, and are just uncomfortable to be in. Whether we feel maligned, angry, taken advantage of, or just downright insulted, all too often we take those emotions on board for ourselves.
And we shouldn’t. At least not always.
I once had a therapist who said — often — “No one can make you feel anything. You own those feelings.” I’ve concluded that she is dead wrong. People absolutely can make us feel things. And they should be held accountable for that. Absolutely.
For example, let’s say your partner comments that your shared house has been in disarray lately. If the comment isn’t followed by a clarification of his (let’s just say it’s a he) shared ownership, that can often feel like you are being held responsible for the state of the house. The comment quickly feels like an unnecessary negative, and interpreting the situation can be tricky.
When we feel attacked, whether emotionally or physically, our natural tendency is to react unfavorably, to strike back in defense.
In a situation like this one, if we aren’t careful, the communication can escalate into a much more angry dialogue.
